Rumination Year

by Matty Grace

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1.
wake up in this empty bed my cluttered apartment embracing neglect wait for a bus that never comes a succession of false starts and clumsy thumbs is this it? i digress sometimes cross these streets by boarded up signs wandering around the buildings i used to pass by that no longer exist or how casually the city seems to change without moving forward it just persists clocking in to pay to live my entire existence is changing skin inside to out i digress sometimes cross these streets by boarded up signs wandering about the buildings i used to pass by that no longer exist or how casually the city seems to change without moving forward and why every old house is a new apartment i can't afford and why every piece of advice no longer applies the rules you wrote and built this on will fall away
2.
head is throbbing just proportionate to the knot in my stomach or the ache in my heart head is aching keep finding solace in dissociating from everyone take a stand dont be forceful choose to care stay remorseful these things all feel like uncertainties and all the guilt I feel for wasting my twenties win. lose. all. i'm not existing anymore i live my life with lights turned off behind deadbolts and those closed doors push away any chance to feel while everybody tries to convince me that all of my feelings aren't real try and hear the words you say but im so inconsistent in the day to day im so inconsistent in the day to day
3.
Four Daze 01:32
i cant relate to anyone not even you empty cries i grasp for words that only come from the bottom of my floundering memory and i can barely make it out of bed much less the door most days but i'd sit here on your floor for days talking without words to push back against the invisible wall that nobody can see except for you and me keep talking without words to push back against the invisible wall that nobody can see except for you and me except for you and me the unfortunate reality of this current situation always leads me back to a beginning with no end I guess i'll just keep tripping over myself until you can come back again
4.
the city bus is crowded now with unhappy people looking down they shuffle on and on and off and on and on and off foot in dirt feet on pavement shuffling through when no one every really cares that much at all this wasnt just a phase my lens has always been too gray for anyone to figure out what im always struggling to say about how I cant bang my head into this wall hard enough for you to see that maybe im just falling apart and even if i feel better i sometimes get the feeling that maybe im wrong maybe im wrong
5.
beneath the melting snow revealing broken glass of yesterdays our youth learning future lessons of moving way too slow cant get ahead i guess i'll circle on this point i've just run out of words the wells beginning to run dry embrace cliche missing the point the picture of health but only because you ignore the signs the streets around this block intersect with past mistakes a vote of confidence in what is predetermined fate but the only option that ever seems to present itself resilience is hell
6.
keep towing the thin thin line of the space between being a doormat and losing everyone and everything when nobody seems to get why youre building walls and pushing them away words dont help when you've got nothing left to say so let it all out if i can just hold my breath and count backwards from the end of this muddled message and this heartbroken statement i would spend less time endlessly beating myself to death just to claw and scratch my way back up again im out of apologies twiddle my thumbs until they bleed the city landscape tries to change and i dont even know your name echos in my head on mute because we both know the truth just want to feel the same every seasons melting brain echos in my head on mute because we both know the truth just want to feel the same every seasons melting brain im out of apologies twiddle my thumbs until they bleed the city landscape tries to change and i dont even know your name

about

This recording is a snapshot of a time and place.

credits

released March 27, 2020

Recorded by Matty in February 2017
Produced/Mixed/Mastered by Dave Williams at 8FA
Art and Layout by Charvel Rappos

Guitar/Vocals - Matty
All Additional Instrumentation - Dave Williams

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about

Matty Grace

(She/her)
Songwriter
Sad Songs

High Trash Media

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